A little corner of the world

Been gone

Wed, 10 May 2006 13:49:27 GMT

Things have been tough. Two friends with cancer. Things at home. No writing...no chance of writing in sight. But family is healthy. Kids are growing and learning...warming my heart in new and wonderful ways. Hubby and I are trying to reacquaint ourselves with each other...trying to reacquaint ourselves with ourselves.

Hope everyone is well. Miss you all.

Dilemma

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 14:55:47 GMT

Long story short: my daughter's doctor ordered lab work as a part of her routine checkup. The lab billed it to our insurance company as a third party request which was absolutely not the case (ie-lab work requested because of an outside party, such as a preschool or day care provider.) Our insurance doesn't cover third party requests, so they denied the claim and we were then billed by the lab. I called the lab, explained that they made an error, and after two months of running around got it straightened out. The lab work was done three years ago and the billing fiasco happened two years ago.

Last week I received a bill from a collection agency. It's for the same, damn lab work. So my dilemma is this: do I fight for my rights and refuse to pay for someone else's mistake or do I give in the just get this whole stupid thing over with? My fear is that I'll expend time and energy that, quite frankly, I don't have and I'll end up paying anyway. Yet, the thought of giving the lab $195 that, quite frankly, I don't have, and having this on my credit report really kills me.

I'm so frustrated. I have always paid my bills and have always tried to do what's good and right. So why do I feel like I get dumped on so often?

Gah. I hate being a victim. Maybe that's the real issue here...I don't want to admit helplessness.

Slowly...

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 13:50:19 GMT

Just popping in to say, 'hey'. Things are slowly getting better, though I know better than to become complacent. This is one race that I have to look at in the long term, complete with peaks and valleys. Time to build up reserves, lay some stronger foundations so that the next valley might not be so deep. Endurance. Diligence. And somewhere in there...the smarts to stop and enjoy the scenery once in a while.

Too much

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 14:04:43 GMT

Too much going on to even attempt catching up here. Suffice it say that life is...hard. Nothing catastrophic, mind you, but oh so very hard all the same. I know that this is all the result of a dire need for change. Change is good, though it hurts like hell. Change takes diligience. So much so, that I don't know that I'll have much time to write in the near future. That's OK.

Yesterday, I saw the first crocus of the season. It gave me hope to see that tiny green shoot poking through the dull, gray earth.

Back

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 20:24:33 GMT

I wrote 214 painful words today. It was awfully unpleasant. But I did it. And I'm proud of myself.

Vacation was good. Hard in some respects, but mostly good. Great weather...great time playing with the kids. They loved the pool! We're all glad to be home, though.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 18:51:31 GMT

We're packing up the kids and heading to Florida for a week. It's not a true vacation in the sense that we're visiting family, but it sure will be nice to have a change. I won't have to work or worry about housework for a whole week! Someone else will prepare my meals, wash my linens, and make sure I get a few minutes to myself. Who knows, I might even be able to spend some time with my husband!

It'll be fun to take the kids to the beach and take them swimming. This will be Josiah's first time on an airplane too, so that will be interesting =) I anticipate he'll enjoy himself. I hope we end up doing a whole lot of nothing with each other!

So, I'm off to enjoy some warmer weather and some much needed time with my little family. Be back on the 13th.

Out of sync

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 15:27:34 GMT

I am just plain out of sync with the universe. These phases normally come and go, but this one is lingering.

I've tried to fight it. I've tried to change it. I've even tried to make friends with it. The way I see it, I have one option left. Go with it.

So, I'm calling a retreat. Time to gather the troops and sit tight until a bit of the turbulence eases. Time to lick wounds and rest and catch our breath. Time to re-prioritize. The writing will wait. Friends will wait.

I'll be back sometime next week. Take care everyone!

One more thing...

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 15:24:37 GMT

One more thing I'd like to teach my children...the joy of sleeping past 5:30.

Lessons and measurements

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 14:29:44 GMT

On the way home last night, I thought about my kids and all the things I want for them. I want them to be successful. I want them to excel. I want them to have easy, care-free lives. But ultimately, what I want for them is...happiness. Peace. Joy.

How do I give them these things? How do I teach them to desire these things, attain these things? Do I tell them happiness is found in success? Peace in excellence? Joy in ease? Absolutely not. So why do I tell these things to myself? Why do I teach my children one thing and practice another?

So I thought further...what am I trying to teach my kids?

-the love of God
-the love of family
-to serve/be generous
-to be kind
-to strive
-to learn
-to grow
-to love
-to persevere

Though by no means an exhausted list, the point is clear. As I teach my children, so shall they teach me. I just need to start listening.

Measurement

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 19:29:55 GMT

Contemplating measurement today. I tend to measure things quantitatively: how much, how fast, how high...I want to change that. I want to see differently, experience differently. I want to live in terms of process rather than outcome. Qualitative.

Quickly...

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 19:31:12 GMT

Good things:

-decided to try on belt today that didn't fit two months ago...I'm wearing it on the fourth notch!
-the amazing scent of star-gazer lillies on my desk, courtesy of hubby
-homemade valentine cards from my daughter
-my baby trying to 'sing'
-soft, snuggly kitty

Icky things:

-think I'm coming down with the flu
-baby still fighting a cold
-writing stinks
-getting behind at home

Thoughts only coming in clips today. Will force my 100 words on WIP later this afternoon.

Bah

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 17:03:27 GMT

Well, I'm off to write. I've done about 400 words this week, but I'm in one of those 'what's the point' kind of moods. Bah, I hate that. The point is, I enjoy writing. So what if I'm not great. So what if I occasionally have to bang my head against the wall. Oh well. Get over it.

OK, I'm going now. Going to write. Yup. Watch me go.

Good things

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 14:01:14 GMT

Good things for today:

Baby pushing rubber duck into the tub over and over and over saying, 'uh-oh'.
Daughter stealing bits of my breakfast...again.
Hubby giving me Valentine card early.
Kitty asleep on his back with all four paws in the air.
Sunlight reflecting off the snow on the trees.

Good things

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 17:09:50 GMT

We shelter our children. We don't hide them away in a coccoon, mind you, but we try to limit their exposure to the 'evils' of the world. One reason, aside from the obvious, is to provide them with positive models. We want them to learn how things should be. We want them to see good things, hear good things, so they will in turn hopefully do good things. I'm really breaking things down into its most simplistic terms, but you get the drift.

For the next hour, I'm going to focus on the good things. I'm going to picture my daughter outside as she was yesterday in her pink snowsuit and purple shovel as she helped her dad clear the driveway. I'm going to hear my son's maniacal little laugh as he managed to crawl out of the living room and race after the dog. I'm going to remember how my hubby made sure I got to work on time this morning. Small things. Yet big things.

Good things.

Shutting down...

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 16:39:56 GMT

Daughter was sick with stomach flu. Baby is sick with nasty cold. Blizzard dumped 18 inches of snow on the ground. Unexpected household needs sucking finances beyond dry. Hubby feeling neglected because wife goes to bed at 8. Wife...running on autopilot.

There's nothing wrong with autopilot when it's used sparingly, but I've been on it a bit too long. I'm starting to shut down. Not good. Will attempt to break the cycle this week. Not sure how yet.

Will try for my 100 words today on new WIP. I have absolutely no desire to write, but I'll write anyway.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 14:21:21 GMT

I was just thinking this morning on my way into work how lonely I feel, yet I never have a moment to myself. Of course I have moments to myself (in the car, in the shower...sometimes) but it's never really a time for me...a time to be rather than do. I feel constantly sucked dry and the only one replenishing me is, well me. I guess the caregiver needs to be taken care of once in a while.

I wonder if Lola's griefs stem from a similar base.

Anyway...I'm not much in the mood for analyzing or even fixing. Just get through the day so I can lie my head down tonight. Perhaps tomorrow will bring strength. Or rest.

eternally tired

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 13:43:01 GMT

I just wrote a lengthy post about being tired all the time, but decided to delete it. Bottom line: I'm healthy, I'm happy, I'm productive and fulfilled. I just also happen to be tired. I wish it were different, but I don't see a way to change it. So I deal with it. There. Done.

I haven't written in a while. I don't remember when I last took out the WIP, but I'm certainly not losing any sleep over it. I have quite a bit to tend to regarding the old homefront and I've been preoccupied. Maybe next week I'll get back to the WIP. Maybe 200 words per weekday would be a realistic goal. We'll see.

the rollercoaster

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 13:47:50 GMT

I've finally accepted the fact that life is indeed a rollercoaster, so I'm not all that surprised to find myself in one heck of a funk this morning. Of course, getting up at 3:00 a.m. with the baby might have something to do with that. The good news is that the rollercoaster runs in the other direction. Though I might feel at the absolute end of rope today, wishing that I could run away, that can change just as quickly. Gee...I'm tired enough that I don't care that my sentence structures stink. Bah humbug.

My baby

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 18:07:32 GMT

My baby turns four today.

I took my daughter to her physical today, and while the nurse prepared the syringes, I couldn't help but remember all we went through to start our family. Nearly every day for two years we did injections of some form or another. How well I remember the sting of the meds, the smell of the alcohol, the constant watching of the clock...the calendar. And now the clock ticks by without my notice, and the pages of the calendar often go unturned. Now I smell the scent of bubble bath and baby lotion; I feel wet, sticky kisses on my cheek and tiny fingers twined in my hair. Giggles fill the rooms that once stood empty, and the walls reverberate with a music that thrills and exhausts, heals and tests, dances and rests.

My baby turns four today. I can't help but dance =)

Ew

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 13:42:56 GMT

Tough morning. I refuse to wallow, however! I will be productive. I will be kind. I will find great joy in sloughing off this dank, dark cloud. I am woman, hear me...meow.

Zzzzz...

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 18:22:14 GMT

Someone promise me I won't always be this tired. Yikes. I know that when the kids are grown and out of the house I will greatly miss these days, but oh, for a day to rest my brain! I know, I know...it won't help =)

Had a chance to do a little more research for my WIP, and I'm almost done with my worldbuilding! I have a rough outline done of the entire piece, and the first four chapters fairly well fleshed. Funny how things can fall into place so quickly. I really thought I had eons left to do, but one little 'key' made everything come together. I'm afraid to get too far ahead of myself in detailed chapter outlines, however, lest I take a slightly different angle early on. I want to leave myself a little 'fudge' room. So...I think I'll flesh out one story arc at a time, write it, then flesh the next. I don't know. Hehe...it's times like this when I realize I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing ::grin::

Itching

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 13:38:55 GMT

I'm itching to work on my outline, but I have so little time =( The ideas have been floating around in my head, but now they're starting to drift away. Whah! I have to buy groceries during my lunch (oh joy) but if I can squeeze a break in between meetings, I might be able to get in a half hour of writing.

Back again

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 14:28:39 GMT

Whew, that was fun. Forgot my password to livejournal and couldn't log in. I swear motherhood is making me dumb.

The crazy week continues. Chinese New Year celebration tomorrow night and my daughter's birthday party on Saturday. Hubby is gone tonight, tomorrow night, and Saturday until 1:00. I'm tired just thinking about it =) But all will be well. I'll make the cake Friday night after the kids are in bed, throw some baked beans and spiral ham in the oven on Saturday and voila!

But enough thoughts on tasking. I have two happy, healthy kids and a backyard full of excellent snowman-making snow. Methinks while daddy's gone, mom will take the dog and the young 'uns outside for some good old fashioned Saturday fun!

Writing...well...I think about it. I had really hoped to be done with the majority of my pre-writing by February, but that ain't gonna happen. I think at this point in time I'd be better off setting a weekly goal, say...writing an hour a day, four days a week? Although, I can't do that next week (how many errands can one woman run? Geesh.) But I'm pleased with what I've done so far. It may not be much, but it's thorough for a change.

OK, my brain hurts. I need another cup of coffee.

(Thanks, Alsha, for adding me as a friend! ::waves::)

Just looked at my calendar for the next month...

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 14:17:03 GMT

Life at the old homestead is absolutely crazy right now. Between two birthdays, a funeral, three doctor appointments, servicing for both cars, two church council meetings, three music recitals, two audition days, five nights worth of school related meetings, two language classes, two Chinese New Year celebrations, and one Gottcha Day celebration, we are out straight. And if you think I'm being all dramatic about it, you're wrong. I don't have the energy to spare ::wink:: Crazy. CRAZY!!!

I have a ton to do today in terms of making phone calls and doing paperwork for home, but I will work on my outline for at least 45 minutes. I'd like to do an hour, but I don't think that's a feasible option. Crazy.

Tough morning

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 13:56:48 GMT

Trying not to over-analyze, but know something needs to change. I've known that for a while, but had always hoped the answer would hit me over the head. Actually, I think I know the answer. It just makes me sad.

Anyway, enough cryptic talk. I need to actually take lunch today, so writing is out. Maybe I'll be able to sneak a bit in later.